One Week

Dear Jak,

Well, today a week ago you got home from the hospital.  This week has been wonderful, painful, scary, and hopeful all at the same time.  There are moments I feel as though I am having an out of body experience.  Like I am there, but not really - Like I have been part of everything these last nine months, but maybe not really.  Like maybe it all happened to someone else. 
Last night when you said I was like a little Neopolian I had to take a step back.  You accused me of being controling by not giving you the medication - and controlling if I flushed it.  I decided to flush it since it was a no win situation.  I did. 
Sometimes I get so anxious it is hard to breathe.  Anxious that I will ask too many questions, anxious that if I don't you may think I don't care or don't want to know.  Anxious that you won't follow through on the things you said - calling your doctor and coming clean, following up with a sleep study, etc.  I know you have called the sleep doctor and the doctor recommended by your insurance, but I also know you didn't call back the sleep doctor, you haven't called your primary doctor, and you keep repeating to me that the medication is not a controlled substance so you should be able to take it.  All I ask is that you tell your doctor everything and let him decide.
You are going to meetings - YEA!  I also know that you jumped back in on Monday with both feet - and are back to working overtime.  You are getting up earlier, working in the same stress, and working longer - then trying to do meetings, also - and then we are back to not sleeping good - which has been bad for a LONG time - with medication - with the cpap - with everything.  I know that what you feel is important is what you will make time for.  I also know that what I feel is important is what I will not only make time for, but also try and direct, comfort, help avoid pitfalls - basically mother.  You don't need that right now and I need to learn how to get out of that cycle.
I have asked you to arrange a halfway house.  We discussed this last week, over the weekend, and on Tuesday.  Our disagreement last night let me to see that not only are you in the same pattern, but so am I.  I feel we need a period of seperation to work some things out individually and then prayerfully together.
I am so tired of crying.  You have no idea.
I love you and am praying for you, me, us and the kids.